The mass of lard that I am legally obliged to call my wife was bullying me as usual, trying to manipulate me into giving the thing she birthed some attention again. I didn't have time for this, had more important things on my mind; chocolate recipes to organize.
Though some people in the chocolate recipe-world organize their recipes in alphabetical order, yet I prefer the more traditional manner. What I’m speaking of, of course, is organizing from the recipe with which I am most obsessed to that with which I am the least. I excel at the process. Some say I am the King of this process, and for that I am proud. At my weekly chocolate recipe-meeting, I try desperately not to boast of my skills, but I cannot resist.
When I see Samuel trying to produce weak words out of his obese mouth, my superior lip quivers with disgust. He is inferior, and that is funny to me. Inferior because his chocolate recipe-organizational tactics are inferior, and God knows that is the most important thing in life. Some may argue that the management of a good home life and marriage are,—but take a look at how scattered them folks’ recipe drawers are.
The wee hours of the morning came as fast as I can read my most favorite chocolate recipe, and my final recipe installation was disturbed by the squawking that is the voicebox within my wife. That thing never fails to place burdens upon thine King of organization when he is at his best. I knew what must be done, that the only way to keep my sanity was to replace my wife with some sort of chocolate equivalent.
I spent the rest of the evening covering her corpse in a thick layer of chocolate while my disgusting son looked on in horror. Now he fears me and I no longer feel any guilt about ignoring his existence. And best of all, I no longer have a nagging wife. I have a chocolate wife and she supports my work. Dreams really can come true.
Gina Tron is a writer, stylist and provocateur living in Brooklyn's heart, Bed Stuy. She contributes to several magazines weekly, but really enjoys writing fiction. She recently had a creepy short story featured on Gadfly. When she is not writing, she is drawing equally disturbing cartoons on her blog: ginatron.tumblr.com.
