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Your Call Is Important To Us by Kendall Defoe

You have reached ________________________ . Unfortunately, we are unable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and address at the…

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You have reached ________________________. Unfortunately, we are unable to take your call at the moment. Please leave your name and number at the tone, and we will contact you as soon as possible.

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You have reached ________________________. All our lines are busy at the moment. Please enter the extension number of the person you would like to reach. If you do not know the…

You have reached the offices of ____________________________. All our lines are busy at the moment. If you need to speak to ________________________, press 5. If you need to speak to directory assistance, press 9.

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You have reached _______________________. All our lines are busy at the moment. Please enter the extension number of the person you would like to reach. If you do not know the number, please enter the last name of the person you would like to reach using your keypad.

You have reached the offices of ___________________________. All our lines are busy at the moment. If you need to speak to ________________________, press 5. If…

You may leave your message after the tone.

You have decided to leave a threatening message on our voicemail. This is clearly a violation of several laws pertaining to the rights of individuals to be free from harm and the threat of violence. Please await our response on this matter.

You have discovered the well-armed squadron of soldiers now surrounding your home. In a few moments, they will begin to remove your front door with force and take you away to the proper authorities. We recommend not resisting this action. They are authorities acting within their legal rights.

You have now been incarcerated by our team of soldiers and are now free to leave one message for one particular contact. We recommend contacting a lawyer first before speaking to your family. He or she can provide relevant information to help you in your present situation and save you some embarrassment from the inquiries of both families and friends. Your message will be forwarded to them as soon as possible and you may keep your cellphone for further messages (the signal has been blocked for the last hour for your protection).

You have chosen to contact your lawyer and be aware of your rights in this situation. As stated in a previous message, you have threatened the occupants of the office of _______________________________ with violence and have, therefore, broken the law. Your lawyer has advised you that we were completely within our rights to incarcerate you and deny access to telecommunication with family and friends. We regret to inform you that your family has now been made aware of your situation and will be able to visit you at an undisclosed location in 6 to 12 weeks. You may keep your cellphone and thank you for using the services of _______________________. Good-bye.

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You have reached the offices of _____________________________. All our lines are busy at the moment…


Writer/Reader/Poet/Dreamer... Kendall is a college instructor, experimenter with the written word, and someone who thinks that books are worth saving. (Also: librarians and snail mail—damn you, Canada Post and certain school boards!) I just hope that someone gets a laugh and enjoys my work...