I Can Only Burp If I Think About All the People Who Turn Me On
by Shawn Berman

Sometimes I Like to Google Things Just to Make Sure No One Is Thinking What I’m Thinking.

Most good conversations start out with, ‘hey, man, wanna see a pair of big tits?’ and if you’re a person who generally likes ‘big tits’ or ‘tits’ or ‘anything’ then you’ll probably say, ‘hell ya, I wanna see a pair of big tits. What do I look like a fucking loser?’

I saw this guy on the street and he was playing the trumpet and he had a top hat out and he was looking for ‘tips’ or ‘food money’ or ‘beer money.’ He was really jamming out and he looked like an uncle. The kind of uncle who's lanky and generally comes underdressed to family events and trips over everyone because he's already seven shots deep and no one knows how he got there because his license has been suspended and no one gave him a ride and there’s no way he took the bus because it’s not on a bus line and there’s no way he took a taxi because it’s a long story why he can’t take a taxi.

I went up to him and said, ‘man, how many pairs of big tits do you get to see playing like that?’ And he said, ‘not enough, brother.’

He started playing and I found myself dancing and I couldn’t stop.

I find the best way to dance is to have a cigarette dangle from your mouth bopping side to side or pulling the blanket back over your head and sleeping for months or days or hours or taking allergy pills, usually. I said, ‘tell me something about yourself. What is something nobody knows?’ He put down his trumpet and smiled.

He spit. Cleared his throat.

He spit. Cleared his throat.

‘One time when I was on tour with my buddies and it was like the seventies and we were sleeping outta this van that we found on the side of the road and we fixed it up and shit. Anyway, we were on tour and my friend gave me some acid. He was all like, “Hey, Gerald”—that’s my name—everyone calls me G, or at least my friends do. You can call me G.—So he was like, “hey Gerald, wanna take some acid?” So, naturally, I said “I aint no bitch” and I took the acid. Later I was up on stage doing my thing and someone threw a pillow at me and the pillow took two hours to hit me in the face and when I woke up I was making chili.’

I threw him a dollar and I think I said, ‘what did that teach you?’

He spit. Cleared his throat.

He spit. Cleared his throat.

‘That acid and chili are really good and that I’m still fucking terrified of effort.’

I Sold My Mom on craigslist for Her Fiftieth Birthday.

While at a party in a crowded basement I saw a girl in a vintage dress and pearl necklace making out with a space heater. Her hair got caught in it and it started to sizzle but luckily I had two slices of bread and cheese in my back pocket and I made the best grilled cheese ever.

Am lactose intolerant.

I chugged a bottle of vodka that some sorority girl gave me and I won a pack of cigarettes from her and for a moment I felt great about myself until she told me, ‘I just drank motor oil and I will probably turn into a Prius and crash into a jewelry store and steal all the diamonds and exchange them for a semi-successful homemaking woman who's in her twenties and can support me financially and who’ll go to my high school reunion with me to make it look like I have a girlfriend so I don’t look lonely but in reality I am living a great big lie.’

I Can Only Burp If I Think About All the People Who Turn Me On.

And something about avoiding you in public places like restrooms makes it easier for me to sleep at night.

I went on a walk and I saw an old man collecting leaves and branches and he came up to me and said, ‘for thirty seven years I have been washing my beard with maple syrup’ and he showed me his bottle collection as he stole my wallet so he could buy more toilet paper to support his toilet paper eating addiction. I fell asleep taking a mud bath and when I woke up I was a urinal and you were drunkenly pissing in me while eating a taco and you said something like, ‘menthols are on sale at the gas station.’

Made a necklace out of your teeth while parked in a fire lane.

Existential depression: ‘if someone talks to you then they are really weird and they don’t want to have sex with you.’

Me: ‘I know.’

It’s pretty serious and I think it’s the right time to tell you this, but we can’t see each other anymore because I’m like in a relationship with Doritos. What if I told you that being sexually harassed by two-hundred plus pound women wearing baseball t’s and skinny jeans is the reason I’m still here.

Urge to respond to everything with a giant sigh and say ‘I’m going through puberty and my hormones are acting up.’ I pick my nose in public while staring at you. Care to join?

Me, believes anything my imaginary girlfriend says:

I say a lot of things I don’t really mean like, when you were throwing up by a dumpster earlier, ‘are you okay?’ Asked you out on a date and you waved your hand dismissively and asked for a dollar so you could catch a taxi and I didn’t have one. Was wondering if you waving your hand dismissively at me meant that you were interested in going out on a date? Because I’m still interested, and puke is kinda hot.

Uhh, this is our bus so can you keep it clean? Thanks.

What is this some weird nursing home fantasy? I don’t want to play bingo.

I went to the strip club with my lawnmower and all I got was blue balls.

Am satisfied when sexually harassed by cashiers.

This one cashier said, ‘hey, do you like Mario?’ and I told her ‘yea’ and then she went ‘well you can come down my pipes anytime’ and she made a Mario-like sound effect as I flicked her nose ring.

Another cashier asked me something like, ‘do you need a bag for that, you big strong man?’ and I thought, ‘I am not big or strong but this is a new shirt and I just washed it in the dryer for too long so that’s why I probably look bigger’ then I also thought, ‘my master plan is working. I am going to seduce all the cashiers and soon enough I will have my own sex ring.’

Anyway, the cashier asked me something like, ‘do you need a bag for that, you big strong man?’ and I told her, ‘no but I do need some cash back.’ Then she got on the counter and undid her bun and whipped her hair back-and-forth and said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, I only have singles. Can I make it rain on you?’

I forgot an umbrella and I had to change my pants.

I feel empty all the time when I’m with you and no matter what I do I’ll always have this empty feeling. You always think, ‘what next? Maybe I should just dig a hole in the ground while you throw dirt on top of me so I can have some sense of fulfillment but I’m afraid that the ground under me will collapse and I’ll keep falling forever and ever and not stop until I’ve been falling for so long that I eventually evaporate.’

There are so many places to have sex. You can have sex after you die.

There are so many places to have sex. You can have sex after you die.

I feel empty all the time and I saw this really cool dog with a pink bandana tied around its neck and I went up to the dog and said, ‘hey you’re a dog. Yes you are’ and I went to pet it and it bit my hand off and I laughed as the owner came out and said, ‘bad sparky. Give the man his hand back.’

Did you know Tim Allen was arrested in '78 for cocaine possession?

Shawn Berman is 20 years-old and lives is New York. He is currently growing a patchy beard. His most recent work has appeared in Voicemail Poems and Electric Cereal. He runs a literary blog called Purple Pig Lit. He can be followed on twitter Here.